Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Free Cigarette Day For Kids!

Because I’m a huge nerd, I play this online game called Ikariam. It’s kind of like Age of Empires meets Civilization only without all the graphics as it’s a browser based game that you can play anywhere where you have the internet. It’s basically just building cities and armies and fleets and going out and fighting other players and killing their troops/fleets and taking their shit Viking style. It’s pretty simple.

So in Ikariam players are broken up into groups called alliances. The alliance I’m in is called Crown of Thorns which is pretty damn funny considering the fact that I think Christianity is a kooky superstition and all. It’s nothing personal against Christianity really. I think all religions are just superstitious craziness, cause, you know, they are.

I guess because the name of the alliance is Crown of Thorns (though usually just called Thorns as to avoid having people think we’re pussies who turn the other cheek) one of the members took it upon himself to combat all the vulgarity in the alliance circular message system with DAILY BIBLE VERSES. I guess he got offended because the day before several of the other players kept changing their names to dirty filthy porn star names and kept sending circulars to show off their new names. Plus on any given day there’s usually a fair amount of swearing that every player gets via the circular message system from other players in the group, usually because they’re pissed off about losing a battle. The swearing is kind of expected in a war game.

But bible verses? No fucking way. Pushing your superstitions on me when I’m smarter than that? Pushing them on everyone else who wants to just blow off a little steam playing a game? Fuck you, buddy.

Because I am a force of nature online, I am, of course, not just a member, but part of the leadership of Thorns in Ikariam. (Like every other game I play, but let’s not mention my ego here. Thanks.) I immediately fired off a circular rant about how swearing is better than Jesus. Though I think it was probably a little more diplomatic and eloquent than that because I’m not just a member; I’m one of the people who can kick people out just for pissing me off. As a leader I have to set an example and show poise and dignity and all that bullshit.

And then I get a response from someone else in the alliance that made me realize the Bible and Christians aren’t the only things trying to ruin the world for me.

“What about the children? What about the kids playing Ikariam, Smotlock? My 11 and 12 year old play and I don’t want them seeing a bunch of porn star names and profanity.”

Then another person said, “Yeah, my kids play too. I don’t want them reading filth.”

How about this for an answer?

Don’t let them play. Don’t kids already have enough to do that they can just leave one childish game to the grown ups? Jesus, I thought since I didn’t have any kids I could live my life the way I wanted to. I could drink and smoke and swear like a fucking sailor. I could rampage through my adult world with glee and not worry about being a corrupting influence on children.

But you people keep on popping out kids and you don’t want to baby-sit them so you let them hop online to a very adult world, and you want us to monitor ourselves for their benefit because you’re too lazy to? You want us to watch your kids for you?

I am not your baby-sitter. I do not like kids and I don’t really want to be around kids. So how about this? You either monitor what they’re reading online or keep them off the internet until they’re 13 and pretty much know all the swear words already.

But, honestly, if your precious little prize doesn’t already know most profanity by the time they hit third grade, they’re not paying much attention. Back in the days before there was an internet to blame for everything we all learned how to swear at a very young age and we learned from other kids, our parents, and R-rated movies we weren’t supposed to be watching.

And, I don’t know about you, but it did not warp my psychological being to hear words like fuck and goddamn and pussy.

You people who spend so much time trying to shelter your children from reality, all you’re getting is seriously maladjusted kids. They’re in for a very rude awakening when they inevitably do grow up (if they ever grow up) and see the world for what it really is.

And it is not a Disney movie.

Goddamn, you people lie to your kids about Santa Claus and Jesus. You lie to them about reality itself and I’m the bad guy because I write the word fuck on the internet?

I’m not saying it’s cool to show your kids porn. I’m not saying don’t shelter your kids at all, because that’s crazy. There is an obvious amount of sheltering that you do for kids that’s just common sense.

The real problem here is that people love their kids so much they don’t know when to fucking stop. They’re lessening everyone else’s lives for the benefit of a kid that probably doesn’t give a shit about swearing on the internet, because they’re likely not reading it anyway.

It’s kind of like how these idiots want to put labels on everything. They’ve been trying to put warning labels on books for years, because they’re afraid Little Johnny is going to stumble across a Stephen King book in the library and be damaged forever. And the truth is anyone with any intelligence at all knows that kids read things based on their maturity level.

And then there's child-safe pill bottles and lighters and car windows and everything else that's been changed for the sake of children, stuff that isn't for children in the first place. Things that have been changed just because parents apparently couldn't keep lighters and bottles of pills out of their kids hands, because they're too busy being horrible parents.

I know your kids are the light of your life, but I don't even like them. They are the dark of my life. And I do not want to exist in the little child-friendly bubble you are creating for them and everyone else in the process.

What about the children? Nothing, that's what.

They're your fucking problem not mine.


greeneyes67 said...

Great entry! You always have me in stitches. No it didn't warp me to hear swear words either. And you are so right on with being bombarded with bible verses. That would seriously offend me!! Why is it ok for you to be offended with the Jesus stuff and not ok for them to be offended by the swearing? Double standard.

greeneyes67 said...

Oh PS: Where is your original avatar of you on the cross? I loved that! lol

Indantatia said...

This is OG Smotlock. I was beginning to think you went soft.

Smotlock said...

Greeneyes, I loved it too, but I was tired of looking at it to be honest. I'm sure at some point I'll be sick of looking at my mug too and I'll probably go back to using that because it's so offensive to Christians.

Smotlock said...

Shannon, I haven't gone soft. Just lazy.

You'll be happy to know that in the five years you've known me I have shown zero emotional and spiritual growth.

Change is for lesser men.

greeneyes67 said...

Yes, offensive is good..

Simon said...

People are very bad at evaluating risks. They’ll take their kids in the car with them and not worry about them wearing seatbelts: a few hundred children die every year in the UK alone in car accidents. People don’t get worked up about this, and those that do accept that it’s the parents’ responsibility. But mention the internet to almost any parent and you’d think it was the biggest threat to their child possible.

Regarding the Biblical verses, by the way, you should respond by sending Biblical verses of your own. Genesis 19:33–36 might be an uplifting example to start off with. I mean, you want to protect your children from reading about disgusting things like incest, don’t you?

33 So they made their father drink wine that night, and the firstborn went in and lay with her father; and he did not know when she lay down or when she arose. 34 On the following day, the firstborn said to the younger, “Behold, I lay last night with my father; let us make him drink wine tonight also; then you go in and lie with him, that we may preserve our family through our father.” 35 So they made their father drink wine that night also, and the younger arose and lay with him; and he did not know when she lay down or when she arose. 36 Thus both the daughters of Lot were with child by their father.

AndiMAC said...

I came to shower you with love, but you're really pushing it asking for money.

Indantatia said...

Simon, that's a very arousing piece of scripture. Now I must excuse myself.

Smotty, if you actually did do some growth, shouldn't we all worry?

sara said...

Oh, hey, have you read Fables? I'm assuming you probably have, given your extensive knowledge of comics/graphic novels. I'm working my way through it right now and it makes me happy. Bigby Wolf! :D

But I can always use good graphic novel suggestions. We got Amazon prime around Christmas time and it makes it scary easy to justify buying a new graphic novel every week.

Smotlock said...

Sara, I LOVE Fables. I have every issue of it in comic book form, but I'd like to have all the trades for my bookshelf. A couple of the early issues that I'd missed this girl that knows Fables' writer Bill Willingham sent to me. I met her in Yahoo chat, before you and I met there. The copies she'd sent me she'd got from Mr. Willingham himself. She also sent me his book, Down the Mysterly River, which is apparently hard to find.

They're actually making Fables into an ABC TV show but I don't really have high hopes for that. But the comic itself is awesomeness.

As for other graphic novel/trade paperbacks I would suggest Sleeper, Y the Last Man, Preacher, The Invisibles, Alan Moore's Swamp Thing, or maybe The Filth. I have tons of recommendations though I think out of those you'd probably like Y the Last Man the most, though my own personal favorite comic of the last ten years is Sleeper. Ed Bruker's new series Icognito is fucking great as well, but it won't be out in trade paperback for six or seven months at least.

Have you seen Dead Set yet? Download it. It's the best zombie TV show you've never seen. It's more like a movie really.

Oh, and speaking of zombies, I finally read World War Z. Loved it. Hope the movie doesn't suck.

sara said...

Thanks for the suggestions!

I adore Fables, but I cringe at the thought of an ABC show. I have zero faith in that network after they thoroughly crapped on the genius that was Pushing Daisies.

I haven't heard of that zombie TV show, but I'll try and check it out.

I'm a little leery of the idea of a World War Z movie (I can't even begin to count the number of times I've read that book), but on the other hand, if there's a book that would easily lend itself to film format, it's that one. It's practically just a script, all ready and rarin' to go.

I've got a recommendation for you, actually. You should totally totally totally totally read The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch. I know you'd freaking adore it.

It's a sci-fi/fantasy novel about a bunch of con artists. It's ridiculously funny and sharp-edged. The writing is really great. It's got cleverness coming out its sarcastic little ears. Plus it's the kind of story in which absolutely no character is safe from harm or death, and that's always fun. Seriously, read the Lies of Locke Lamora if you haven't already.

And if you read that and like it, the sequel, Red Seas Under Red Skies (con artists AND pirates!) is also really fun. I have high hopes for the third book, which is coming out in February.

Hmm... now I'm suffering deja vu and wondering if I've already told you about this book before. Oh well. It's so good, it merits mentioning twice.

Oh, and my new literary obsession is Octavia Butler. One of her novels, Parable of the Sower, is such a fucked up book to read right now. Absolutely chilling, in light of the direction the world is currently heading. That's another book I'd highly recommend, though it's in no way a feel-good kind of read.

Actually, I'd highly recommend every single thing she ever wrote. She was an amazing writer. Besides Fables, I've literally read nothing by any other writer for several months. Octavia Butler is totally obsession-worthy.

Anonymous said...

Your biggest fan, Amberone, is glad to see you are still as classy as ever.

Vicky - AntiCelebrity.net said...

What a first class epic rant! And a bloody good point. When I was a kids, there was just stuff I wasn't allowed to do/see and that's just the way is was.
The world (sorry, UK) so PC + plus your child friendly that people just don't know where they stand anymore.... amongst the children (that probably weren't planned) and pregnant teenagers.

Louisa said...

I'm in love with your blog. I like that you're a no b.s. kinda person, you tell it how it is. I read your tips on self-promoting and that's exactly what I'm doing. You have to play the game to win the game right? Haha. If you want (maybe you're too busy) stop by my blog.